I was in a creative practitioners’ session in July and the workshop leader said she always takes August off. To go see friends, exhibitions, rejuvenate, and she see this as essential personal development. And I went FUCK YES that is what I want to do to. Rejuvenate. I know I need it badly. And yet it feels like I didn’t stop at all…
To be brutally honest, teaching work has slowed down enormously in the last year and I am struggling to make ends meet. Especially with thing like energy bills going up from £70 to £330 a month etc. So I have to say yes to every bit of work even if awkwardly timed or not well paid or uninspiring. I hate to think I may be making curtains and cushions again at some point. But I have to do something. I have been considering a “proper job”… I cannot keep this business going as it is. Every month I panic about paying bills and canceled classes or group classes with just one person in them. I am completely stuck as I do not want to give up on cheekyhandmades and I also absolutely am not capable of doing a full time job right now. Menopausing means I need to pause. I am going through something HUGE and exhausting, I fell like I am taking myself apart and rebuilding myself and none of my usually coping strategies or sparkles are working. I feel my skin is wafer thin, I am easily angry and upset and need buckets of alone time to figure out how I am going to go into the rest of my life. I need to gently feel my way through this, alone. And the idea of needing to be in an office makes my skin crawl. I need to sit in my garden and cycle to the allotment and make things for friends and sleep and read books, not be present for an organisation for 8 hours a day. So I am worried and I cannot control any of it. SO I spent August shouting and crying and cleaning the kitchen in tears and hugging small people and feeding cats and being desperate to have a few days alone in my studio without interruptions. Interruptions are probably right now my worst enemy. And my work phone and private phone are the same so I can’t just turn my phone off completely. I am exhausted and at capacity a lot of the time. I can only make space in my head by being alone and August has been the worst for that.
I don’t want to sound like I have had a terrible month as I have done tons of nice things. Swimming in the sea at Littlehampton, seeing the windmills at the Kinderdijk, playing Monopoly with my mum, joyous times at the allotment, oodles and oodles of great food and hugs and cups of tea in bed and lots of time with friends. And the very best news of all is my oldest son announcing him and his girlfriend are having a baby in February. August has been incredible really. Just not restorative haha.
I am looking at therapy, I am meditating, I am reframing a lot of stuff, I am letting go of control, I am even letting go of worrying about work and money, I am delving head first in to my journey and trusting I will come up and I will be in a good place.
In the meantime if anyone has any ideas on how I can make some extra money ideally by being home alone please shout. The menopause holy grail surely!